Bigger Than Me

Some ancient part of my brain says that the grammar gods want me to say:  "Bigger than I (am big)." So, please forgive me if my title is grammatically incorrect!  LOL.

Today is a "my-body-is-wrong" day.  I have little energy and a fair amount of pain.  Just can't seem to drag myself through most of the normal steps.  Hate these days.  I did not exercise.  I am not going with the rest of my family to watch the Super Bowl (on TV).  I find that on days like this I tend to not only lay low, but also to hide.  Sometimes when people find out about the MS - they proclaim that they never would have known.  Well, that's because I hide on these days so as not to let you know.

Hmm.  Healthy or not so much?  If you haven't figured it out already, I have a lot of pride.  Too much, perhaps.  I don't want others to see me struggle.  I don't want the judgement or pity that might come with that.  It's easier and more comfortable to just stay home.

Often when I run in 5k races I am at my most exposed.  It's all out there if you want to see it.  The vision loss, the uncoordinated gait, the loss of muscle control, the tripping.  I'm not the least bid winded, but I can't get the legs to go.  I hang out in the back of the pack and quietly work my way through the last quarter of the race.  Some days are better than others, but there is never a race without a struggle.  I've run thousands of miles in the past few years, and still can't drag myself to a respectable 5k time.  So, why do I bother?

What I do find in the back of the pack is a community that is desperately in need of each other.  First timers, young and old, folks battling illnesses, coming back from cancer, battling weight/body image issues,   They are all there, in the back of the pack, working so very hard to accomplish this small but real goal.  And, there is a lot of encouragement back there!  I've encountered amazing spirits and healing words that make every step worth it.  Yes, I've been beaten by a 6 year old and an 84 year old!  BUT I've bonded with people everywhere in between and opened myself to their victories!

Victory is yours - even on a "my-body-is-wrong" day!